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If you know me in "real life" you will know how big it is for me to quit sugar. Sugar is what keeps me going. It fuels my rants, is responsible for adding that extra 'pep' to my manic outbursts. It adds a little colour and sunshine into my day. There is probably more sugar in my arteries than blood (though it's probably pretty neck and neck with the caffeine- I am quite the picture of health). Asking me to quit sugar is like asking a heroin addict to stop well doing heroin...

BUT here I am. On day one of no sugar. How did this happen? Frankly I blame that witch Sarah Wilson. She just made so much goddamn sense bitch. I couldn't ignore it. It all started with some morbid curiosity, I was reading Blundermum's blog - which is quite good BTW and I saw her little stat counter at the bottom which said "I've Lost 13kgs by Quitting Sugar". 13kgs you say? That's very impressive- naturally I wanted to know more. Further stalking investigation revealed that she is following Sarah Wilson's Quit Sugar in 8 weeks program. So of course I couldn't stop there- I had to follow the rabbit down the hole.

$15 later and I am opening up the Quit Sugar in 8 Weeks Guide- ready to scoff and ridicule and completely reject the whole idea as nonsense. Ready to continue on the way I am, feeling validated and secure in my life choices.  Except I didn't. Instead I started to relate to what was being said:

Never knowing when to stop eating sugar- check
Slim arms and legs with a massive spare tire around the middle - check
Not sleeping well- check
Aches, pains and inflammation- check
Moody and anxious- check

Oh crap- she's describing me! I read on with a slightly more open mind until by the end I am completely converted and have no option  but to shop for all the ingredients on the shopping list and get rid of all the sugar in the house. Yep that's right, if I'm going down, I'm taking them down with me.

I am looking forward to a new sugar free me. To the day when I can say- chocolate? Oh no thanks I'd rather not - and actually mean it! I am taking my life back. I will not be ruled any longer by my sugar addiction and if I happen to lose a sneaky 13kgs along the way- well I won't object. Apparently this also means giving up fruit and honey and sweeteners...I am not giving up my daily diet coke though- not for anyone. Let's not get crazy here...

Have you quit something you never thought you would? How did it go?
MM's birthday party was yesterday and I am pleased to say it went off without a hitch. The weather was perfect, bouncy castle was bouncy and the kids were happy (and not killing each other). Phew....

I got over my menu paralysis (thank you for your kind suggestions) it worked out pretty well with classic party food and a few healthy alternatives thrown in for good measure. Everyone seemed to enjoy it and somehow through sheer luck I actually had the perfect amount of food and drinks. The cake turned out ok. Just ok- actually it kind of looked good from far away but up close was a bit of a mess (a total 'monet' for all you other closet Clueless fans). A really good candidate for photoshop - but the kids liked it so I was happy with my efforts.

Now confessions.... I am not one of those 'social' mummies. When I do the daycare run I am in and out as quick as lightening and in 3 years I may have accidentally learned about 3 other mums names but I barely recall a conversation with any of those mums in that whole time. It's just not my style. In fact I probably do actively send off "do not approach- hazard" vibes. This makes birthday parties a little awkward. All of a sudden you are the host and need to make small talk with the same people you've been dodging for 3 years. Talk about pressure! "Hi...Umm... sorry I always ignore you"... "so....do you live around here?". Yep painful.

Of course I am also worried about what the "daycare mums" think of me- this of course turns into obsessing over how the house looks - because they may need leave the park and enter my house for 2 minutes in order to go to the toilet... It really wasn't a big surprise that when the last mum left and it was only family still hanging around, I felt a massive weight lift off my shoulders- and I immediately ran home to grab the champagne. Ahhhh all better.

Of course my family all jump on the band wagon with the "oh here we go- the mums leave and the true colours come out" jokes... Um Duh!

Anyway it's all done for another year and we're all happy! Tell me- how do you cope with your kids parties?

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Remember when you were a kid? How much did you love yourself a birthday party? Games, junk food, music- what's not to love? We used to have so much fun and that was when kids parties were nothing more than some fairy bread and a pass the parcel or maybe a pin the tale on the donkey. Ahh simpler times...

MM's party is this weekend and will consist of a Cars2 theme (and just so you are also in 'the know' Cars2 is very different to Cars and you do get told off for mixing them up). This means that there will be Cars2 'scene setters' everywhere (read- large posters of Cars2 characters), checkered (like race flags) table cloths, rediculously overpriced Cars2 party gear such as plates, cups, party hats etc. Even the bouncy castle has Cars characters on it (this could be an issue as they have not yet made a Cars2 bouncy castle). There will also be face painting and a giant 3D cake.

I have been planning his party for a few weeks now but in my usual fashion have left the menu planning (if you can call it that for a kids birthday) to the absolute last second. I was thinking 'kids birthday- easy we'll have some sausage rolls and party pies and maybe chocolate crackles and fairy bread. Done. Easy.' But then I thought about it. Can you really get away with that these days? I think of all the different kinds of parenting out there now and then there are the allergies. What about the kids who aren't allowed to eat junk food? Or are Gluten or Dairy free? I am I supposed to cater to these kids too? Should I have put out a 'Dietry Requirements?' card with the invitations?

I feel like I am walking through a minefield here. HELP!!

What do you do for food at a kids party? Are the classics still ok? Or are there new rules?

The count down to the wedding continues (53 Days) and I am still working on those details. I am grateful that I can now cross "something old" off the list thanks to Etsy. Meet my beautiful new (to me) vintage clutch. She's not designer so a very budget friendly item- but she's pretty...and old.

I have been working so hard on all these little details- it is hard to imagine them all coming together on the day, although I am sure they will. Weddings are so exciting - and the marraige part too. I am so looking forward to cementing our little family.

It's funny, I thought I wouldn't get so caught up in the little things but somehow you do get swept away- and find yourself tearing up when you find that perfect song. Or when you write your vows. Or when you find a reading that says how you feel in just the perfect way. Come to think of it there has been quite a few tears lately... but they have been happy ones.

Anyway- enough from me. I have something borrowed to think about...

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image via medical-library.org
I think I've finally flipped my lid and gone mad. Not sure if there is any coming back. Crazy is no longer normal - even for me. Therefore there is a new blog title. I am just going to have to embrace it. You can think of me as the "mad hatter of mummies" or something.

Sorry if it's contagious.

Now that my shoe crisis has been averted (fingers crossed), I am trying to cleverly put together my perfect wedding day look (without breaking the bank). Budget is important to us- as we haven't yet fulfilled our life ambition of winning lotto, but since I am a bit of a princess the right look  probably takes priority.

As my dress (which cannot be pictured as FI has been known to drop by and read this from time to time- Hi Honey) has a sweetheart neckline (it's ok- he doesn't know what that means) and I have decided against a necklace, this has left me with only having to find earrings and a bracelet for my bridal jewellery.

image via diva.net.au
I found the earrings sometime back on eBay and I have to say they are pretty special- gorgeous crystal drop earrings with a slight vintage feel AND only $19.99. This left me pondering the bracelet. I have been umming and ahh-ing over a few styles and today decided on something a little different. It will be my only "splash of colour" and my something blue...

It is very different to what I thought of going with but I do love the idea of a tiny bit of colour- especially considering everything else is varying shades of cream. I also loved the price - another $19.99.

Now I just need to work on something old and borrowed... Any ideas?
My little boy is turning 3 this week. It has become increasingly obvious of late that he is growing up. He is no longer a baby but a little boy. In honour of his little self I have compiled a list of 10 things that make me melt inside:
  1. I love that he giggles and says "You make me funny" when I make him laugh  
  2. I love that he says I am a princess and he is my ham-son prince 
  3. I love that he already has an entourage. Right now this consists of White Blanky, Mickey, Blue Teddy, Elephant and Finn McMissile. The entourage has been recently culled as it was making bedtime quite the ordeal.
  4. I love that he gives his toys such ingenious names eg Red Car, Orange Car, Hippo, Blue Bear etc. I may have started this trend but he has followed it in good stead.
  5. I love that he tells me to "say 'Yay' and Clap mummy" when he "does wees" but will tell me "Don't cheer me" with his little policeman's 'stop' hands when he sings his 'ABC's.
  6. I love that he lets me do "snuggly wuggly" cuddles when he thinks no one is looking
  7. I love that he calls cuddles "cuggles". I hope he never ever stops doing that.
  8. I love that I am his best friend (except for Daddy. And Samarth. And Henry). But STILL.
  9. I love his impressions of me and daddy. Daddy's are particularly funny and involve him tucking his chin into his neck and saying in a very serious voice "Hi I am Daddy".
  10. I love the way his little body fits perfectly into mine when we are having a snuggle. He is growing at a very rapid rate and I have a feeling I may need to enjoy this whilst I can.
Every age is special and I am sure MM will continue to make my heart sing for many more years to come. I think this is going to be my new tradition. Each birthday I am going to write a new '10 things I love about MM' list. Hopefully this way I'll remember all of his gorgeous little nuances for ever.

What traditions have you created for your kids?
I look into those big brown eyes and see my own flashing back at me. The same level of intensity, the same steely determination. Except, I think to myself... He hasn't had 28 years of life knocking him down a peg or two. He has the stamina and ego of youth  to see this thing through. This could go on for a while. Oh My God.

25 minutes earlier I am at my desk grateful that my long day is finally drawing to a close. Though- is it really? I still have to pick up MM, go to the supermarket, cook something for dinner (oh good lord, what are we having for dinner?), battle with MM to eat said dinner, wrestle him into his Jarmies and convince him that, yes in fact, he does have to go to sleep. Then I can relax. Then I can breathe.
I get to daycare. Crap I am late. The guilt forms a heavy ball in the pit of my stomach. They have already moved his age group into the babies room, where all the kids with the parents who are late wait to be picked up together. 

And there he is. My sweet angel (I am sorry I left you here all day). Wait, what is he doing? Oh dear. He's made a gun out of building blocks and he is going around and shooting all the kids in the head- one by one (see what happens when you leave him for so long). Quick, just get his bag and get him out of here before anyone notices. That's it, nearly there.... And then "Oh Just a minute- Before you go"... I inwardly cringe and slowly turn around. "Ms X from MM's room would like a word with you. There was an incident in the sand pit". Of course there was. 

I convince MM to put down his "gun" and get him out into the hall where Ms X promptly pounces. I listen to her describe 'the incident' whilst hissing at MM to "use his walking feet" as he has broken free and is now running flat out from one end of the centre to the other bashing into and bouncing off walls as he goes. Ms X's lecture and my reverie are broken as MM hits his head and starts wailing. Loudly. Very Loudly.

I pick him up and rub his head, taking the opportunity to get out whilst I can. 

Here we are again. At the car with his defiant eyes staring back at me. "I AM NOT HAVING MY CAR SEAT" he screams at me making it so high pitched at the end that he likely burst the eardrums of the all dogs in the neighboring two suburbs. And then the legs go and the kicking starts. Here we go. As I am doing my best to restrain him (within the bounds of the law of course), I hear the gate open and close behind me. Another mum. With her perfectly behaved child. Walking peacefully to their car. I feel the shame spread through me, burning the back of my neck and ears. "That's it!" I say in sheer desperation. "There will be no TV tonight and NO icecream". MM stops instantly- in time for me to hear the sharp intake of breath from Perfect Mum with her Perfect Child and the tut tut tutting. I could practically feel her disapproval in the air and her righteous "No wonder your child carries on like that- TV and Icecream?". I shake myself, snap out of it. I stop focusing on that, realising that MM is finally quiet and we can finally go. 

"Is it time for icecream Mama?" asks my beautiful boy, looking at me like butter wouldn't melt in his adorable little mouth.

FI arrives home and takes one look at my face. He takes me in his arms and asks if I am ok. "I will be" I mumble into his chest. "It's just one of those days".
Today I am saddened. I realise now that acting in haste though ill advised, may actually sometimes work in our favour.

I am getting married in 59 days (according to my helpful project wedding update) and I am on the quest to find the perfect wedding shoe. I should rephrase that. I am again on the quest to find the perfect shoe. About 6 weeks ago I found the most perfect bridal shoe, cream and satin and romance and all things wonderful all wrapped up in a beautiful shoe. For those of you thinking "geez cool down, it's just a freakin' shoe" I am going to rebut with - Have you not read Cinderella?? Shoes are what fairytales are made of.
image via kaboodle.com

See for yourself:

Is she not the most beautiful thing you have EVER seen?


It is not meant to be. Apparently I am not the only one who feels this way about her as she is SOLD OUT! Everywhere in the whole effing world!

I was being responsible. I was being budget conscious and I felt that maybe, just maybe I could find another shoe at a bit more of a "budget friendly" price. I thought "don't act so hastily, there'll be another shoe half the price and you'll be happy you waited". Oh what a fool I was.

I am heart broken. I don't know where to look - there is no other shoe. I am going to be a tale of caution for brides world over. All I can do now is pray (and stalk eBay like a crazy person) until someone gives one up . Don't make the same mistake I did, if you see the perfect shoe- Grab it! Pay for it and never EVER let it go.

I felt I must come back and give an update on this situation as I know that many, like myself, love a happy ending (the fairytale kind of course, not the dirty version). I searched eBay yesterday, including the international sites and there was nothing. No I lie, there was an expired listing that was just sitting there. Taunting me. Making it worse.

I didn't give up though- I woke up this morning, went to work and searched again. And there she was. My beautiful, perfect Lyndee in Cream (there are plenty of the Rose ones left- but there is a reason for that...yuk). I couldn't let myself believe - one listing IN THE ENTIRE WORLD... it couldn't possibly be in my size!... Could it? I clicked on the listing, my eyes screwed tight, barely daring to look, barely daring to breathe. OH MY GOD!!! It was exactly my size. I squealed in delight (earning myself some interesting looks from my co-workers). I was so excited I almost didn't notice the price. It was HALF yes half the retail price and "New in Box". You could have knocked me over with a feather. Needless to say, these little beauties are on their way to me from the US as we speak.

I think I may just have to change the title of this post to Dreams Really Do Come True.

If you are a foodie then look away- this may hurt your soul. IF however you are like me and need to prepare low calorie meals (for yourself) that a grown man and a toddler will both enjoy then please, keep reading...

This happened a little bit by accident one day when we decided we wanted pizza but the toppings were slim. The best inventions are often by accident though aren't they? It may sound like an odd combination and I'll admit- it is a little quirky, but it works. This is now a firm favourite in our household.

Pepperoni and Pickled Onion Pita Pizza:

Wholemeal Pita as the base
Legos BBQ sauce for Pizza
Pepperoni Salami 25g (per pizza)
Green Capsicum
Sliced Mushrooms
Pickled onion
Grated Cheese

Pre-heat the oven to 220 degrees (celcius)
Spread the Pita with a tablespoon of the BBQ sauce
Top with chopped Capsicum, sliced mushroom, chopped pickled onions and pepperoni.
Cover with a sprinkle of grated cheese.
Bake on a pizza stone (for best results) until cheese is golden.

TIP: make sure pickled onion is chopped small and evenly distributed.

Also MM doesn't like anything "spikey" so we use shaved chicken breast on his:

It really is delicious and is an awesome alternative to take-away. MM loves Pizza Night and I love the fact that it only takes 5 mins to prepare. It gets rave reviews from FI too and he is always looking around for more :-)

I also love that it is relatively guilt free. It is about 409 calories per pizza as described but on days where I need to lower the calories I just use less cheese or pepperoni. Low fat cheese is also an option on low cal days.

What crazy recipes do your kids love?
MM's birthday is just around the corner now and I (being the awesome mummy that I am) am trying to get these Cars 2 face painting characters down...

Friday, on the way home from work I think ok this is my chance. I'll pin MM down and practice. He promptly falls asleep on the way home from daycare (this NEVER happens BTW) and I am stuck with my hand and the inside of my left arm as a canvas.

Oh Dear. It's not quite as easy as I thought. A glass of wine and 20 mins later this is what I've come up with:

It turns out that facepaint is harder to work with than makeup. It was also much easier with a pencil and paper. This leaves me wondering if it's ok to scream at three year olds "it's Mater cos I say it's Mater". Oh Boy.

Why am I doing this again??

Oh yeah... that's right. I mean really, could you say no to that face??

In case you can't tell I am a little grumpy today. In fact FI, myself and MM are all a little grumpy today. Most people would be if woken up at 5.05am by a 'cock-a-doodle-doo'. In case you are wondering, I'll clear a couple of things up for you... No I don't live on a farm, Yes it IS still dark at 5.05am and no I don't have any pet chooks.

My anger is quite squarely directed at Dora. You know the one- the annoying little explorer who can't actually manage to do anything for herself - "I need YOUR help- will YOU help me?" Umm no. No I won't. Not ever again. F' Off. You have taught my previously delightful nearly 3 year old angel, to wake me up at the crack of dawn with a VERY pleasant (please note the 'sartalics') "cock-a-doodle-doo". And WHY was he up so early?? Well isn't it obvious? He wanted to watch Dora. Arrrrggggggggghhhhhh.

When I explained that in fact it was the middle of the night and Dora isn't on in the middle of the night, MM decided it was entirely appropriate to have a complete tanty. Fun morning.

Is anyone corrupting your perfectly well behaved, innocent children??

Hmmm I probably could've asked myself this question about 250 muffins ago. Anyone who has never had to lie on the floor flopping around like a fish on the side of a pond just to inch their 'miracle' jeans up over their massive arse, may tell you it is. I can now categorically tell you that it isn't. Nothing is.

All this time I have agonised over how to lose weight. How to stop eating junk food, how to get my butt off the couch and do some exercise in order to make a dent in my weight loss goal- and it all comes down to that one simple question. How did it never occur to me before?

The beauty of this little gem is that it can be applied in so many situations- the happy meal that I just have to have, the 'I can't exercise cos the Kardashians are on' excuse, the cupcake I just 'can't not eat', the 'mmm just 10 more minutes and then I'll get up' sleep-in...

This is going to be my new 'go to'. Everytime I am about to hurtle myself (and my big butt) off the wagon, I am now going to ask first- Is it worth being fat for?
Nothing is more enticing to a child (who would rather be anywhere but where they are) than the idea of far away lands. Imagine an enchanted tree that could lead you to magical creatures and exciting adventures. In fact who wouldn't be excited about such a phenomenon.

I spent a lot of time up that tree whilst I was growing up. I was friends with Moonface and Silky and Dame Slap haunted my dreams on more than one occasion. Escapism at its best. I would literally spend hours at a time immersed in my perfect world where the enchanted was not only possible but was found by simply climbing a tree. I wanted so badly to be one of them -Jo, Bessie, Connie, Fannie or Dick (yes, seriously Fannie & Dick - in the one family. What are the chances??).

There was something all so comforting about the big warm farmhouse and the loving family that the story was exciting to me even when they were grounded and playing among the Rhododendrons (BTW I had no idea what a Rhododendron was when I was reading the story the first 17 times).

I am grown now and my need for escapism is not what it once was. But I think back fondly and wonder...Aah, where are they now? The Land of Topsy Turvey, The Land of Do-As-You-Please, treacle, honey biscuits, the Angry Pixie and the Saucepan Man? Are they still there? Is Dame Wash-a-Lot still throwing her dirty water over people? It may be time to head back up the tree, maybe this time MM will join me....

I had therapy last night.

I am emerging from a dark period of postnatal depression that went unrecognised and thus untreated for the first 18 months of MM's little life. I was (I can now admit) still a great mum during this time. I made sure everyday that MM was loved and cared for and protected from anything that could ever hurt him. I was just not the best partner or very kind to myself.

During this time, when I wasn't being mummy, I retreated into myself and let the pain swallow me down into its dreary depths. I wasn't there for FI, I was barely there for myself. I was cruel and harsh and my biggest tormentor. FI (god bless him) was doing his best- he knew I had disappeared but didn't know how to bring me back. My illness was the elephant in the room. The great unspoken. We knew there was a problem- but neither of us spoke about it. But he stuck by me and loved me and here I am. On the otherside.

I began my awakening (that's what it felt like) when my doctor finally got through to me and convinced me to try some medication. I was anti pills, anti admitting there was something mentally wrong and convinced that my illness (which was oddly presenting as physical symptoms a lot of the time) was something systemic that could not be fixed by an anti-depressant. I was wrong.

I spent the next 15 months taking this medication. At first it was like waking from a bad dream. The relief was immeasurable. I steadily improved and began to take my life back. I went back to my 'proper' job, started connecting with people again and rebuilding my relationship. Finally 2 months ago I stopped taking the medication. I can not even believe the effects that this has had. For the last (nearly) 3 years I had been first depressed and anxious beyond belief and then for the most part numb. Numb was defintely an improvement on depressed but was so far from what I am feeling now.

I now have a sad day every now and then. I was sad after my counseling session last night. Since stopping the medication I feel sadness deeply. I have even been known to cry at the news. The emotion (which for so long has been held at bay) creeps up on me and taps me on the shoulder and then scares the sh*t out of me. I find it overwhelming. But I won't go back. Why? Because now I feel joy. Actual, proper joy. When I wake up and feel FI lying next to me, or when MM is giggling that gorgeous giggle- the joy spreads through me and warms my heart. It soothes my soul and makes me happy to be alive. I won't go back.

It has taken me until recently to want to talk about it. Any of it. The moments where I feel I can open up are rare and fleeting. So now I am embracing them. My therapist is relatively new (to me) and I still, even with him, will fill the first 40 mins of our session with inconsequential chatter until I feel the last 5 minutes closing in and then I blurt something out. Something important. Something that could possibly help me heal. So now I know I need to capture the windows of openess and make the most of them. I want to rid my living room of the elephant once and for all and make some more room for me...

As a working mum, I am often plagued with guilt. I know MM enjoys going to daycare and has loads of friends and spends the day doing activities that stimulates his little mind and excites his senses. In fact on the weekends he often asks if it is time to go to daycare yet etc. That doesn't stop me from letting the dark place in my mind run riot sometimes and convince me that I am a bad mummy for going to work.

So instead of ignoring that particular inner dialogue, I try to prove myself wrong by doing some overly "domestic" type things. One of these is his birthday cakes. For some reason I have convinced myself that a 'good mother' makes the birthday cake and it can't just be a normal cake - it must be a master piece.

On MM's first birthday I thought it would be a good idea to make him a cookie monster cake - 3D of course. the problem with that was that I had never actually made any kind of 3D cake before and I left it to the day of the party. BIG mistake. Friends of ours had an engagement party the night before and it was one of the first times in the year since I had given birth to MM that I went out and really let my hair down. I wasn't really that used to it and the next day I felt awful. Seriously like a*se. I was committed though and by the time of the birthday party cookie monster was the 'guest of honour' and everyone was amazed. MM didn't know any different and would have gladly devoured any cake that was put in front of him.

Fast forward another 12 months (feels like yesterday, just quietly) and MM is turning 2. He is Thomas (the tank) crazy and I feel compelled (seriously it was obsessive) to make a 3D Thomas the tank engine cake. It was a big success but took hours - I slaved over that thing. MM was suitably impressed but it was fleeting and I was actually a little devestated to have to cut into him and slice him up (Thomas obviously- not MM). I swore then that this weird cake thing that I was doing would have to stop.

It is that time of year again and now MM is turning three. I asked him the other day what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday- thinking I was going to get an answer along the lines of "chocolate cake". He said "a Cars cake". He is Cars2 mad. The guilt took over again and I gave in and said 'of course you can have a Cars cake'. I thought back to the promise I made myself the year before and set out to find someone else to make me a Cars cake. Then I discovered the price- holy cow!!! Guess who is making a Cars cake this year?

I thought I would be smart and order a Cake decorating kit online:
Only to find that not much of it is actually included after all- most of it is cake and icing lol. Here we go again... He better think I am the best mummy ever after this!

So he will have the usual 3D cake (it is now the standard) and he is also having a Cars 2 themed birthday party in the park. Complete with a Cars Bouncy Castle. And Face Painting. And since he only wants Cars characters face painted and all of the face painters that I contacted don't do Cars characters- guess who is learning to facepaint? Lol I know I am a makeup artist but I have never been called upon to create the 'Finn McMissile' before.

I was just telling one of my work colleagues about MM's party (which is at the end of the month) and they did ask the question- "geez if that is what you are doing for 3 what are you doing for 4?". Oh crap. I have set the precedent. Where do I go from here? This guilt thing better get under control or it is going to cost us a fortune!!

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So week 2 weigh in was on Sunday. It has taken me until today to be able to write about it. I lost 0.2Kgs. That's it. I did 7+ hours of exercise- and according to my heart rate moniter, I was working hard. *BUT* I did not stick faithfully to my 1200 cals so I ended up with a measely 200g loss. Pooh.

I can't even believe it. I kept a diary (and yes even recorded the naughty things) and according to it's little inbuilt cals in v cals out calculator I should have lost 1.3kgs this week (I wasn't THAT bad with the food- just slightly over) but no. 200g.

I am not going to lie, it has been a bit of a motivation killer. Yesterday was a rest day (thank god) but MM got up in the night about 3 times last night and refused to go back to sleep. When the alarm went off this morning at 6.15am I thought "yeah right- good one" and hit snooze. Grrr now I have to fit in the 90 mins exercise when I get home from work- somewhere between dinner and bed. Not the best choice to have made.

I am trying to find motivation from somewhere and have googled before and after pics. Sometimes it helps to see that people who started from much worse beginnings to me have made it to what I would consider my ideal body. hopefully it's enough to get my booty shakin' tonight before bed. On a positive note- this week I have been sticking to the 1200 so if I can just make sure I fit the exercise in with NO excuses then hopefully this week will see some proper results.

I have an appointment with my therapist tonight- maybe we can talk about how I sabotage myself whenever it looks like I am on my way to achieving my goals. Honestly anyone would think I am afraid of success.

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I know that for some people this post is going to be 'so 5 years ago' but I have just started a new love affair with Zumba. I have known about Zumba for some time now (let's be honest who hasn't?) but I had only ever been to one class. That class was tough. I was unco and got all the moves wrong and the experience was just the wrong side of frustrating and I never went back.

Last night however, I got home from work to find my Zumba Exhilirate DVD pack on the doorstep (ordered from eBay last week) and I couldn't resist getting stuck into it to see what the DVD version is like. I am in LOVE. This is BIG cos I am not the biggest exercise fan. It was so much fun and the best part was the Step by Step dvd which is included in the pack. It breaks down all the moves so even complete unco's like me can learn what to do. Yeah Baby!! I did it for an hour last night and 40 mins this morning (only stopping cos I was going to be late for work).

I can't wait to get home and do it again tonight. I am going to be shakin' my butt right off Whoo hoo.

Note: I realise this sounds like a product plug- it isn't. The good people at Zumba have never heard of me (lol and no one else knows who I am either). I just really like it.

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Do you ever categorise your memories or experiences? This may sound like an odd question but when I think back to my past and my childhood in particular, I tend to associate my memories of certain times with the weather.

For instance up until I was four I was such a happy little girl. All I wanted was to be told that I was pretty and also to grow up and be a ballerina. My nana and grandad took me to the circus (which to be honest I can't actually remember the circus part- just that I thought acrobats were THE most amazing people ever) and my favourite toy was a A.L.F. doll that said "be there or be square" on demand. I was cherished and doted on and weirdly all my memories of this time of my life are "sunny". I don't mean sunny as in 'Sunny disposition' I  mean actually sun shining with blue skies etc. Now I know that the chances of there not being a single rainy day in four years are slim, but I can't actually remember one.

From the age of 5 to 14 was a different story. These memories are dark skies, cloudy and overcast.This was probably one of the most lonely times of my life. I was isolated from all of those that had led me to believe that I was a little princess and special. Instead I was alone and scared and never quite living up to the expected standard. I became shy and withdrawn and the little girl who used to cry 'look at me- watch me twirl' seemed lost to me forever. Now, I am sure that despite Victoria being known for it's dreary weather- there must have been a sunny day in there somewhere- just not in my memories.

I do find our brains to be the most remarkable of  organs. Capable of manipulating our memories and our realities. I do not know exactly why my brain has chosen the weather- I just hope with everything I have, that the forecast is sunny.

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