Also it'd be nice just to get it off my chest and not feel like you are judging me or pushing me back towards medication that I have zero desire to take. Why if it makes me feel better, you ask? Because I am not so sure it does make me feel better and it definitely doesn't make me feel like me. And also because I am allowed to HAVE A BAD WEEK. Just because I am anxious at the moment (admittedly more than the average amount) doesn't mean I am not functioning or living.
I know you feel like I am arguing semantics when I say that I am still living because all you mean is that I am not living at 'my optimum' but I beg to differ. I am getting out of bed in the morning, showering, going to work and being mummy. I do all of this despite the anxiety and I am still doing a good job. I have been in a place where my anxiety has prevented me from doing that so when I say that I am still living I AM NOT SPLITTING HAIRS. I am bloody well living and doing a good job of it.
I don't like feeling that I could be dosed up on meds or shipped off somewhere the minute that I can't be bothered plastering a smile on my face and pretending everything is peachy. Please trust me when I tell you that I am ok- it's just a bad week. Believe me when I need to see my doctor I will see him- there is no shame in that. It's just like when I have a cold- I'll deal with it myself but once it turns into the flu I'll make an appointment. You wouldn't second guess me then right?
I just read my post back and realised that if I post this then you will know that I am feeling anxious. You will know that sometimes it is really hard to deal with and you will know that I don't always feel together and in control.Now I don't know if I can post it because I don't know if I can handle the fact that you know. This is why I never want to talk about this in person. I feel like the second I tell you this you will feel like I am a different person. You won't know how to talk to me anymore. You will start looking nervously at your watch and wondering what excuse you can make to get of here in a hurry. Or worse you will decide that you need to fix me and start asking me all sorts of questions like have I seen my doctor? or wouldn't I like to talk to someone professionally about this? And then I will feel like a sick person or someone that you are sad for and not like your friend anymore.
This will make me feel like I really shouldn't have told you that. It is much easier to pretend everything is peaches (because honestly, who doesn't love peaches?).
I have decided to post it anyway because I have decided that you may feel this way sometimes too. Maybe you need someone to talk to in a non-judgy way when you feel a little bit anxious. And what kind of friend would I be if I didn't let you know that you're not alone?
Sorry for the Debbie Downer post- I really did need a vent and to be honest life isn't always amazingly awesome all of the time. This blog wouldn't be real if I only wrote about the positive things. Next time I'll try to wow you with some of the good stuff, I promise.
Piece out dudes (sorry I was watching 90210 and some of the lingo stuck- yeek that was probably harder to admit than the first bit).