I am trying new things this week and so for the first time ever I will be joining in with Thankful Thursday with Kate Says Stuff. When thinking of things that I am thankful for the 'no brainer' is my little man (well both my men actually but I'll focus on the little one today).

A while back I wrote a post about the 10 cutest things MM does from day to day in honour of his third birthday. I am thankful for all of those things and actually have a couple more to add to the list:

• When you ask him what noise an elephant makes and he does the noise but also the trunk with his arm
• When you ask him how much he loves you and he says "lil bit" with a very cheeky grin
• The way he says my name "Ah-Rannon" (is actually Rhiannon)
• The way he sings the spiderman song "he doo's whatever a spidey doo's" so cute!
• The way he loves his cousins and follows them around trying to be "big".

I am thankful everyday for the joy and love that he has brought into my life and the way he can melt my heart with a single smile. I am also thankful to Kate for prompting me to write this post and "think happy thoughts".

Happy Thursday everyone - can't wait to read what you are all thankful for.

Today I have my 'serious pants' on as my husband likes to say, whenever I stop laughing at his usually funny jokes. Yesterday I wrote a fairly light hearted post about my post-wedding come down as being the reason for me feeling so flat. After careful contemplation I feel there may be more to my 'flatness' than simply grieving for my 'bride to be' status.

Mothers Day. It's everywhere. This probably isn't the worst thing in the world for most of you and to be honest since becoming a mum myself it has definitely taken on a new light in my own eyes. It's still hard though. I am not sure if I've ever mentioned this on here before or not but my mum died when I was a baby. I was three months old and she was nearly 18. It was a tragedy. It is hard to explain to someone the grief you feel over losing a mother that you can't remember. Many people assume that it is not difficult at all. That's not true - I believe the grief is different but yes it is still difficult, it is still real and it still hurts.

I haven't lost a person that I can remember, no. I haven't lost someone that used to take me places or make me laugh, brush my hair or hug me when I was sad. Except I have. Growing up I used to dream of all those things. Of someone who would listen to me about my day at school, or watch me in the school play. I dreamt of someone who would think I was wonderful no matter what I did or said or what I grew up to be. I dreamt of a mum. To rub salt in the wound (just a little), my sister had a mum. My step-mum, she was all the things to my sister that I would've liked my own mum to be. Loving, supportive (in her own way), interested. She believed my sister to be the most amazing, funny, beautiful child that was ever made. She just didn't feel the same way about me. I'm not going to go into the step-mum saga here as it is a story for another day but suffice to say that this made me long for my mum even more. Long for a different life.

Ninety-five percent of the time my mum not being around is a non issue now. Over time I have learnt to accept it as just the way it is. Every now and then though, I wake up and instead of feeling like a grown up, 28 year old mother of one, I feel a little bit like a sad, frightened, lonely five year old who is aching for her mummy. Mothers day is one of those days.

Without Further Ado....

So lovelies, I am back! And now I am married. If you happened to notice (or not- that's ok too) my absence in April it was because I was off to Bali (magical place that it is) to get married and have my honeymoon - if you can call a holiday with a three year old tyrant-in-training a honeymoon.

Now I am obviously still new at this blogging business as I very stupidly left all the photography of the trip up to others- and am now still waiting on photos to share with you all- especially of the all important wedding. The wait is nearly over though- I should have some up over the weekend along with the *wedding video* - see don't say I don't deliver :p ...

In the mean time I can share a couple of happy snaps from the holiday portion of our trip...

Fun was had by everyone...

As you can see we all enjoyed ourselves immensely. How relaxed do we look? I am fairly sure that those pretty coloured cocktails had an awful lot to do with that :-)

We also had some notable wildlife encounters... (Don't worry none of these were just 'roaming around' or anything.

Yep that is what it looks like...

Can you believe that elephant statue. Obviously I am all 'mature and shit' now that I'm married as I totally lost it laughing over that statue. This is what you are greeted with upon entering the Elephant Park in Taro. I am sure it has made for some pretty awkward family convo's over the years. We told MM they were 'playing'... We have some more cool pics with animals to come - I actually got to hold a baby Orangutan, which was totally amazing!

Well I just wanted to check in and say hi. I've missed the blog and am glad to be back! Stay tuned for the wedding pics and video next week.

P.S. Have you ever been blind sighted at a wildlife park and ended up in a 'sex' talk you had no idea you would have to have? Believe it or not this is not my first rodeo. Once at the Perth Zoo MM and I were confronted by a Baboon with a massive boner... Awkward!

MM is happy this morning and I sing "twinkle little star" with him in the shower to distract him from my slumped shoulders and bloodshot eyes. He thinks if mummy is sad then he did something wrong so I am trying to preserve his happiness, his innocence and hope he will never know this sadness.

I am sitting here lost. Empty. In a trance like state, knowing I should be working but unable to find the focus. People are coming past my office and saying 'good morning', I am confused by this and unable to make my voice work in order to return the greeting.

My chest is tight and feels like it is in the grip of a vice which is being intermittently tightened. I get used to the new level of tightness and someone winds the vice. My eyes are stinging from holding back tears- I cannot cry at work. 'Good Morning'.

Is it? Will it ever be again? Can it be? When things as horrible as this can, will and do happen? How can you make sense of something like this? A little baby, so beautiful, so perfect. With a mummy, a daddy and a big sister loving him so completely. Begging him, begging God and bargaining with any higher power every day to let him get better and come home. An extended family; nanas, grandads, aunties and uncles all watching on in fear and disbelief that this little family should be faced with such tragedy... again. How much can one family take? How much of their broken hearts remain after the first tragedy. What will be left after this one?

My heart aches for my brother. How can he continue to be after this. Let alone be strong for his daughter and wife. My soul is crying for his wife who has been so amazing this last three months. Getting up everyday and going to the hospital to sit by her son. Watching and waiting. Learning all there is to know about CF in order to fight with the doctors to keep trying and give him every chance. To stroke his head and let him know that mummy is there. Loving him,praying for him, protecting him. I think of her pain this morning when she gets up, only to realise, that she has nowhere to be. I can't face it, I have to look away.

I think of the platitudes that people often bandy about in times of sadness and hardship- "everything happens for a reason", "time heals all wounds". None of it helps, none of it even makes sense. It just makes me more fucking angry.

I want to help, I want to be able to stop their hurt- just as I know FI is looking at me helplessly, wishing he could stop mine. There is nothing I can do. Nothing I can say. There are no words.

My little boy is turning 3 this week. It has become increasingly obvious of late that he is growing up. He is no longer a baby but a little boy. In honour of his little self I have compiled a list of 10 things that make me melt inside:

1. I love that he giggles and says "You make me funny" when I make him laugh  
2. I love that he says I am a princess and he is my ham-son prince 
3. I love that he already has an entourage. Right now this consists of White Blanky, Mickey, Blue Teddy, Elephant and Finn McMissile. The entourage has been recently culled as it was making bedtime quite the ordeal.
4. I love that he gives his toys such ingenious names eg Red Car, Orange Car, Hippo, Blue Bear etc. I may have started this trend but he has followed it in good stead.
5. I love that he tells me to "say 'Yay' and Clap mummy" when he "does wees" but will tell me "Don't cheer me" with his little policeman's 'stop' hands when he sings his 'ABC's.
6. I love that he lets me do "snuggly wuggly" cuddles when he thinks no one is looking
7. I love that he calls cuddles "cuggles". I hope he never ever stops doing that.
8. I love that I am his best friend (except for Daddy. And Samarth. And Henry). But STILL.
9. I love his impressions of me and daddy. Daddy's are particularly funny and involve him tucking his chin into his neck and saying in a very serious voice "Hi I am Daddy".
10. I love the way his little body fits perfectly into mine when we are having a snuggle. He is growing at a very rapid rate and I have a feeling I may need to enjoy this whilst I can.

Every age is special and I am sure MM will continue to make my heart sing for many more years to come. I think this is going to be my new tradition. Each birthday I am going to write a new '10 things I love about MM' list. Hopefully this way I'll remember all of his gorgeous little nuances for ever.

What traditions have you created for your kids?

I look into those big brown eyes and see my own flashing back at me. The same level of intensity, the same steely determination. Except, I think to myself... He hasn't had 28 years of life knocking him down a peg or two. He has the stamina and ego of youth  to see this thing through. This could go on for a while. Oh My God.

If you are a foodie then look away- this may hurt your soul. IF however you are like me and need to prepare low calorie meals (for yourself) that a grown man and a toddler will both enjoy then please, keep reading...

This happened a little bit by accident one day when we decided we wanted pizza but the toppings were slim. The best inventions are often by accident though aren't they? It may sound like an odd combination and I'll admit- it is a little quirky, but it works. This is now a firm favourite in our household.

Pepperoni and Pickled Onion Pita Pizza:

Ingredients:
Wholemeal Pita as the base
Legos BBQ sauce for Pizza
Pepperoni Salami 25g (per pizza)
Green Capsicum
Sliced Mushrooms
Pickled onion
Grated Cheese

Pre-heat the oven to 220 degrees (celcius)
Spread the Pita with a tablespoon of the BBQ sauce
Top with chopped Capsicum, sliced mushroom, chopped pickled onions and pepperoni.
Cover with a sprinkle of grated cheese.
Bake on a pizza stone (for best results) until cheese is golden.

TIP: make sure pickled onion is chopped small and evenly distributed.


Also MM doesn't like anything "spikey" so we use shaved chicken breast on his:




It really is delicious and is an awesome alternative to take-away. MM loves Pizza Night and I love the fact that it only takes 5 mins to prepare. It gets rave reviews from FI too and he is always looking around for more :-)


I also love that it is relatively guilt free. It is about 409 calories per pizza as described but on days where I need to lower the calories I just use less cheese or pepperoni. Low fat cheese is also an option on low cal days.

What crazy recipes do your kids love?

In case you can't tell I am a little grumpy today. In fact FI, myself and MM are all a little grumpy today. Most people would be if woken up at 5.05am by a 'cock-a-doodle-doo'. In case you are wondering, I'll clear a couple of things up for you... No I don't live on a farm, Yes it IS still dark at 5.05am and no I don't have any pet chooks.

My anger is quite squarely directed at Dora. You know the one- the annoying little explorer who can't actually manage to do anything for herself - "I need YOUR help- will YOU help me?" Umm no. No I won't. Not ever again. F' Off. You have taught my previously delightful nearly 3 year old angel, to wake me up at the crack of dawn with a VERY pleasant (please note the 'sartalics') "cock-a-doodle-doo". And WHY was he up so early?? Well isn't it obvious? He wanted to watch Dora. Arrrrggggggggghhhhhh.

When I explained that in fact it was the middle of the night and Dora isn't on in the middle of the night, MM decided it was entirely appropriate to have a complete tanty. Fun morning.

Is anyone corrupting your perfectly well behaved, innocent children??

Nothing is more enticing to a child (who would rather be anywhere but where they are) than the idea of far away lands. Imagine an enchanted tree that could lead you to magical creatures and exciting adventures. In fact who wouldn't be excited about such a phenomenon.

I spent a lot of time up that tree whilst I was growing up. I was friends with Moonface and Silky and Dame Slap haunted my dreams on more than one occasion. Escapism at its best. I would literally spend hours at a time immersed in my perfect world where the enchanted was not only possible but was found by simply climbing a tree. I wanted so badly to be one of them -Jo, Bessie, Connie, Fannie or Dick (yes, seriously Fannie & Dick - in the one family. What are the chances??).

There was something all so comforting about the big warm farmhouse and the loving family that the story was exciting to me even when they were grounded and playing among the Rhododendrons (BTW I had no idea what a Rhododendron was when I was reading the story the first 17 times).

I am grown now and my need for escapism is not what it once was. But I think back fondly and wonder...Aah, where are they now? The Land of Topsy Turvey, The Land of Do-As-You-Please, treacle, honey biscuits, the Angry Pixie and the Saucepan Man? Are they still there? Is Dame Wash-a-Lot still throwing her dirty water over people? It may be time to head back up the tree, maybe this time MM will join me....

If love was enough then you would be safe. If love was enough you wouldn't feel pain. You are so precious and small and yet you mean so much. Please don't give up we need you more than you know. More than one life is hanging in the balance and you my little one can tip the scales. We can love and we can pray but we need a miracle and we need you to hold on and fight.