Hi Bloggers and Bloggettes.

Long time no talk. I have been AWOL for the last 6 months. There have been a multitude of reasons for this. First off I found out I was pregnant and was so so so excited. At first I didn't blog as I wanted to keep it a secret until after 12 weeks and I knew I wouldn't be able to not write about it.

Then unfortunately I felt something was wrong at around 11 weeks and went for a scan. The bub didn't make it. I was so devastated. After that I couldn't write. I could barely talk. I shut down in a major way. My depression got bad, my anxiety flared up and I was a serious mess. Thus no blogging.

I am back under the care of a psychiatrist and a psychologist, taking my medication and now am feeling good again. Good enough to write. So much has happened in the last 6 months. Some of it bad- as above, but some of it good too.

I blogged a couple of times about how I wasn't happy in my job. I have finally taken the plunge and am working for myself. This is AWESOME! It has been the best thing ever for our family. I am happier and more available to my family and finally have some work/life balance that I have been craving for so long.

My little man is growing up (and getting cuter by the minute) and he starts Kindy this year. He is so excited- as am I. He is going to be so adorable in his little school uniform.

I am excited about 2013. I feel like I can let 2012 go and embrace the future. I guess all of the counselling and medication is helping too because I am finally taking care of ME again. I went to the dentist for the first time in 20 YEARS. OMG, I can't believe I actually did it. I have to admit that there was some serious shaking in my boots going on- quite literally too. The dental assistant had to plug my earphones into my ipod because my hands were shaking so much I just couldn't do it. Blt, despite my ridiculous dental phobia, I went. It wasn't that bad actually- 8 fillings. Considering I hadn't been to a dentist since I was 9, this was a pretty good outcome.

I just today went to the specialist about my sleep apnoea and got hooked up with the Darth Vader  cpap machine so hopefully I will soon stop waking up feeling like I could die within the hour.

Also I guess another significant decision I have made is to have weight loss surgery. This is something I have thought about for a long time but have never gone through with- until now. I have been a yoyo dieter for years. I can lose weight but I can never seem to keep it off. I always put it back on- with interest. As I am suffering from obesity related conditions at the moment (such as sleep apnoea, fatty liver and insulin resistance) I have decided enough is enough. My doctor has approved me for lap band surgery and my psychiatrist has also written a letter to the surgeon supporting my decision. I have yet to have my consultation with the surgeon though- so he could decide not to do the surgery, but I am hopeful that he will.

I feel good about this year and where I am at in my life now. I love my husband, my son and my job- all in all I am a pretty happy camper. So bring on 2013 - let's do it.

Now I am happy again- no doubt you'll be hearing from me more regularly. Look forward to chatting.

Rhia xxx

This morning I was woken with a very lovely "Morning Mummy, I love you". This instantly brought a smile to my face (which if you've ever seen me first thing minus the caffeine hit is no mean feat). I enthusiastically roll over to see my little darling who is climbing up onto my pillows.

He looks down at my cleavage which is not so modestly covered by my singlet top (I was sleeping- I don't just get around like that) and he says "Are they ya boobies?" pointing to my boobs.

"Umm well yes" I say hesitantly, wondering why the sudden interest.

23 days to go and counting. It has dawned on me though, that we are leaving the country in around 16 days and I am not prepared!

I have gone from completely chill and almost serene about the planning to a complete and utter nutcase in about 24 hours. I am not entirely sure what set off this recent bout of panic but it has taken over- with a vengeance! I woke up this morning with an overwhelming need to confirm every single detail. I absolutely lost my shit, just on reading an email from the wedding coordinator which indicated she hadn't recorded ALL of  my song choices.

I have realised that we still don't actually know who is coming and who isn't coming to the wedding and which of these people are bringing their children. Given that this is the case I am panicked about feeding said children. Even though that is completely irrational as I am sure that the venue will accommodate even at late notice.

I decided a while back that I was going to take my dress to the alterations place in the shopping centre as it is very simple and they assured me they just need a week. Now that I am 3 weeks out I am completely shitting myself that it is too late (despite what they said) and I'll be stuck with 2 dresses that don't fit- one is way too big as I have lost weight and the reception dress is too small as I didn't lose enough weight. Oh holy hell I am going to have a million wedding dresses and nothing to wear.

I am freaking out over the fact that we have not purchased luggage yet (and do not own a suitcase between us that is not falling apart- this from two fairly well travelled people?). I am concerned that when we do pack I am going to forget one of the 1000 things I need to take with me (and yes, I am having a destination wedding to avoid the need to be stressing about the details). I am having visions of putting on my (ill-fitting) dress and promptly realising that I have no hairpiece, jewellery, wedding rings, garters, purses etc.

I had a nice long convo with my sister last night- who happens to be my bridesmaid. She reminded me about Bali belly. I went to the docs to get shots for Bali but he never mentioned you can get a Bali Belly preventor and so none of us have taken one. I am now having frequent episodes in which I panic that the whole wedding party has been taken down by food poisening and the wedding is cancelled or worse turned into "that scene" (you know the one) from the movie Bridesmaids.

So I am going to have to get us all packed off to the doctors for the Bali Belly preventor- and some anti anxiety meds whilst I am there! Did you panic and stress over the details of your wedding? Did anything actually go wrong? Did you care?

So Sunday marked the end of week one of 'no sugar'. I have to say it had it's moments, but it was in fact worth the effort. My cranky pants remained in place all week but I am happy to report that they are now decidedly loose. Yay.

I had to decline cake on two seperate occasions and had to face up to the fact that subway cookies are definitely a no-go zone - even if I had saved up the calories... But I am now 1.3kgs lighter as a result of my efforts. I am so happy about this that I may actually wear some slightly less cranky pants this week- despite the no sugar.

I can also report that I did sleep better this week. I also seemed to have more energy towards the end of the week too. I just need to remember to eat- now that sugar is off the table I just don't seemed to be all that interested in food in general. I am still continuing with the biggest loser program and trying to exercise- although I only managed a measely 3 sessions last week.

Anyway that's all for this update and as my good friend Tigger likes to say- 'gotta bounce'.

Image Credit

If you know me in "real life" you will know how big it is for me to quit sugar. Sugar is what keeps me going. It fuels my rants, is responsible for adding that extra 'pep' to my manic outbursts. It adds a little colour and sunshine into my day. There is probably more sugar in my arteries than blood (though it's probably pretty neck and neck with the caffeine- I am quite the picture of health). Asking me to quit sugar is like asking a heroin addict to stop well doing heroin...

BUT here I am. On day one of no sugar. How did this happen? Frankly I blame that witch Sarah Wilson. She just made so much goddamn sense bitch. I couldn't ignore it. It all started with some morbid curiosity, I was reading Blundermum's blog - which is quite good BTW and I saw her little stat counter at the bottom which said "I've Lost 13kgs by Quitting Sugar". 13kgs you say? That's very impressive- naturally I wanted to know more. Further stalking investigation revealed that she is following Sarah Wilson's Quit Sugar in 8 weeks program. So of course I couldn't stop there- I had to follow the rabbit down the hole.

$15 later and I am opening up the Quit Sugar in 8 Weeks Guide- ready to scoff and ridicule and completely reject the whole idea as nonsense. Ready to continue on the way I am, feeling validated and secure in my life choices.  Except I didn't. Instead I started to relate to what was being said:

Never knowing when to stop eating sugar- check
Slim arms and legs with a massive spare tire around the middle - check
Not sleeping well- check
Aches, pains and inflammation- check
Moody and anxious- check

Oh crap- she's describing me! I read on with a slightly more open mind until by the end I am completely converted and have no option  but to shop for all the ingredients on the shopping list and get rid of all the sugar in the house. Yep that's right, if I'm going down, I'm taking them down with me.

I am looking forward to a new sugar free me. To the day when I can say- chocolate? Oh no thanks I'd rather not - and actually mean it! I am taking my life back. I will not be ruled any longer by my sugar addiction and if I happen to lose a sneaky 13kgs along the way- well I won't object. Apparently this also means giving up fruit and honey and sweeteners...I am not giving up my daily diet coke though- not for anyone. Let's not get crazy here...

Have you quit something you never thought you would? How did it go?

Hmmm I probably could've asked myself this question about 250 muffins ago. Anyone who has never had to lie on the floor flopping around like a fish on the side of a pond just to inch their 'miracle' jeans up over their massive arse, may tell you it is. I can now categorically tell you that it isn't. Nothing is.

All this time I have agonised over how to lose weight. How to stop eating junk food, how to get my butt off the couch and do some exercise in order to make a dent in my weight loss goal- and it all comes down to that one simple question. How did it never occur to me before?

The beauty of this little gem is that it can be applied in so many situations- the happy meal that I just have to have, the 'I can't exercise cos the Kardashians are on' excuse, the cupcake I just 'can't not eat', the 'mmm just 10 more minutes and then I'll get up' sleep-in...

This is going to be my new 'go to'. Everytime I am about to hurtle myself (and my big butt) off the wagon, I am now going to ask first- Is it worth being fat for?

So week 2 weigh in was on Sunday. It has taken me until today to be able to write about it. I lost 0.2Kgs. That's it. I did 7+ hours of exercise- and according to my heart rate moniter, I was working hard. *BUT* I did not stick faithfully to my 1200 cals so I ended up with a measely 200g loss. Pooh.

I can't even believe it. I kept a diary (and yes even recorded the naughty things) and according to it's little inbuilt cals in v cals out calculator I should have lost 1.3kgs this week (I wasn't THAT bad with the food- just slightly over) but no. 200g.

I am not going to lie, it has been a bit of a motivation killer. Yesterday was a rest day (thank god) but MM got up in the night about 3 times last night and refused to go back to sleep. When the alarm went off this morning at 6.15am I thought "yeah right- good one" and hit snooze. Grrr now I have to fit in the 90 mins exercise when I get home from work- somewhere between dinner and bed. Not the best choice to have made.

I am trying to find motivation from somewhere and have googled before and after pics. Sometimes it helps to see that people who started from much worse beginnings to me have made it to what I would consider my ideal body. hopefully it's enough to get my booty shakin' tonight before bed. On a positive note- this week I have been sticking to the 1200 so if I can just make sure I fit the exercise in with NO excuses then hopefully this week will see some proper results.

I have an appointment with my therapist tonight- maybe we can talk about how I sabotage myself whenever it looks like I am on my way to achieving my goals. Honestly anyone would think I am afraid of success.

I know that for some people this post is going to be 'so 5 years ago' but I have just started a new love affair with Zumba. I have known about Zumba for some time now (let's be honest who hasn't?) but I had only ever been to one class. That class was tough. I was unco and got all the moves wrong and the experience was just the wrong side of frustrating and I never went back.

Last night however, I got home from work to find my Zumba Exhilirate DVD pack on the doorstep (ordered from eBay last week) and I couldn't resist getting stuck into it to see what the DVD version is like. I am in LOVE. This is BIG cos I am not the biggest exercise fan. It was so much fun and the best part was the Step by Step dvd which is included in the pack. It breaks down all the moves so even complete unco's like me can learn what to do. Yeah Baby!! I did it for an hour last night and 40 mins this morning (only stopping cos I was going to be late for work).

I can't wait to get home and do it again tonight. I am going to be shakin' my butt right off Whoo hoo.

Note: I realise this sounds like a product plug- it isn't. The good people at Zumba have never heard of me (lol and no one else knows who I am either). I just really like it.

I have had my frst wakeup call as to how easy it is blow the 1200 calories right out of the water. Last night I had some fairly depressing family news and I did the whole emotional eating thing again. Granted there is no junk in the house so it ended up being a milo with hilo milk (I know, decadent right?) and weight watchers cookies. Could have been worse but I ended up 400+ calories over target. I didn't actually know how bad it was until now as I only just entered it into the diary.

I have learned my lesson. No more food before I know EXACTLY how many calories I am spending so I don't go over budget. Yesterday sucked. But it is over now and today I am doing well. On target with the food and have already burned 452 cals before work (doing my "essercising" as MM says). Yeah- look at me go!!

Yeah, Whoo hoo!!! I am celebrating (in case it isn't obvious) because I have done the first week of the eight week challenge- and I am KICKING THIS CHALLENGE'S BUTT!! I have lost 1.4kgs (3.1lbs for the metric impaired) this week.

I was right about the grumpy- I was definitely grumpy smurf in our house this week-  but come on, I was HUNGRY and I felt as though I had been repeatedly run over. I have muscles in places I didn't know existed. YOUCH!

I did it though. I made it. I am a SURVIVOR lol. To be fair I am not exactly an exercise enthusiast just yet (at one point I kept the HRM on whilst we were "you know" just so it counted and I also threw my back out doing a simple stretch yesterday) but I am on my way...

So today I am going to introduce you to one of the biggest issues in my life right now...my weight (no pun intended). This has been on ongoing battle since I had my little one (we'll call him MM). He is about to turn 3 at the end of feb so whilst my "I just had a baby" excuse is wearing thin, my waistline is not!

I have been up and down over the last 3 years, have driven FI MAD with my constant yoyo dieting and quick fix schemes. Surprisingly enough none of it has worked and I am actually 10kgs heavier than when I took baby MM home from the hospital (oh the shame).

Today however, I am ALL FIRED UP as per my blog title and on the brink of change. Of a new life. Of a new Me. Version 2.0 etc etc. I am starting the biggest loser Shannon Ponten's 8 week challenge. In eight weeks time it will be a new me sitting here writing to you. A leaner, happier and more confident me!! I am so determined that I will not be waddling down the aisle, I am going to stick to this even if it is 56 days of hell.

So today I am rearing to go- watch out as I may get a little grumpy but it'll all be worth it in the end. I'll be sure to post my weekly results to keep you in the loop (and me on track).