MM is happy this morning and I sing "twinkle little star" with him in the shower to distract him from my slumped shoulders and bloodshot eyes. He thinks if mummy is sad then he did something wrong so I am trying to preserve his happiness, his innocence and hope he will never know this sadness.

I am sitting here lost. Empty. In a trance like state, knowing I should be working but unable to find the focus. People are coming past my office and saying 'good morning', I am confused by this and unable to make my voice work in order to return the greeting.

My chest is tight and feels like it is in the grip of a vice which is being intermittently tightened. I get used to the new level of tightness and someone winds the vice. My eyes are stinging from holding back tears- I cannot cry at work. 'Good Morning'.

Is it? Will it ever be again? Can it be? When things as horrible as this can, will and do happen? How can you make sense of something like this? A little baby, so beautiful, so perfect. With a mummy, a daddy and a big sister loving him so completely. Begging him, begging God and bargaining with any higher power every day to let him get better and come home. An extended family; nanas, grandads, aunties and uncles all watching on in fear and disbelief that this little family should be faced with such tragedy... again. How much can one family take? How much of their broken hearts remain after the first tragedy. What will be left after this one?

My heart aches for my brother. How can he continue to be after this. Let alone be strong for his daughter and wife. My soul is crying for his wife who has been so amazing this last three months. Getting up everyday and going to the hospital to sit by her son. Watching and waiting. Learning all there is to know about CF in order to fight with the doctors to keep trying and give him every chance. To stroke his head and let him know that mummy is there. Loving him,praying for him, protecting him. I think of her pain this morning when she gets up, only to realise, that she has nowhere to be. I can't face it, I have to look away.

I think of the platitudes that people often bandy about in times of sadness and hardship- "everything happens for a reason", "time heals all wounds". None of it helps, none of it even makes sense. It just makes me more fucking angry.

I want to help, I want to be able to stop their hurt- just as I know FI is looking at me helplessly, wishing he could stop mine. There is nothing I can do. Nothing I can say. There are no words.

My little boy is turning 3 this week. It has become increasingly obvious of late that he is growing up. He is no longer a baby but a little boy. In honour of his little self I have compiled a list of 10 things that make me melt inside:

1. I love that he giggles and says "You make me funny" when I make him laugh  
2. I love that he says I am a princess and he is my ham-son prince 
3. I love that he already has an entourage. Right now this consists of White Blanky, Mickey, Blue Teddy, Elephant and Finn McMissile. The entourage has been recently culled as it was making bedtime quite the ordeal.
4. I love that he gives his toys such ingenious names eg Red Car, Orange Car, Hippo, Blue Bear etc. I may have started this trend but he has followed it in good stead.
5. I love that he tells me to "say 'Yay' and Clap mummy" when he "does wees" but will tell me "Don't cheer me" with his little policeman's 'stop' hands when he sings his 'ABC's.
6. I love that he lets me do "snuggly wuggly" cuddles when he thinks no one is looking
7. I love that he calls cuddles "cuggles". I hope he never ever stops doing that.
8. I love that I am his best friend (except for Daddy. And Samarth. And Henry). But STILL.
9. I love his impressions of me and daddy. Daddy's are particularly funny and involve him tucking his chin into his neck and saying in a very serious voice "Hi I am Daddy".
10. I love the way his little body fits perfectly into mine when we are having a snuggle. He is growing at a very rapid rate and I have a feeling I may need to enjoy this whilst I can.

Every age is special and I am sure MM will continue to make my heart sing for many more years to come. I think this is going to be my new tradition. Each birthday I am going to write a new '10 things I love about MM' list. Hopefully this way I'll remember all of his gorgeous little nuances for ever.

What traditions have you created for your kids?

If love was enough then you would be safe. If love was enough you wouldn't feel pain. You are so precious and small and yet you mean so much. Please don't give up we need you more than you know. More than one life is hanging in the balance and you my little one can tip the scales. We can love and we can pray but we need a miracle and we need you to hold on and fight.