This is my new tattoo. Was something I have been thinking about for a little while and I went passed a tattoo shop yesterday and thought it was time. It hurt like a bitch but it was definitely worth it. So far I have had mixed reactions- but i  love it and that's the main thing.

Hi Bloggers and Bloggettes.

Long time no talk. I have been AWOL for the last 6 months. There have been a multitude of reasons for this. First off I found out I was pregnant and was so so so excited. At first I didn't blog as I wanted to keep it a secret until after 12 weeks and I knew I wouldn't be able to not write about it.

Then unfortunately I felt something was wrong at around 11 weeks and went for a scan. The bub didn't make it. I was so devastated. After that I couldn't write. I could barely talk. I shut down in a major way. My depression got bad, my anxiety flared up and I was a serious mess. Thus no blogging.

I am back under the care of a psychiatrist and a psychologist, taking my medication and now am feeling good again. Good enough to write. So much has happened in the last 6 months. Some of it bad- as above, but some of it good too.

I blogged a couple of times about how I wasn't happy in my job. I have finally taken the plunge and am working for myself. This is AWESOME! It has been the best thing ever for our family. I am happier and more available to my family and finally have some work/life balance that I have been craving for so long.

My little man is growing up (and getting cuter by the minute) and he starts Kindy this year. He is so excited- as am I. He is going to be so adorable in his little school uniform.

I am excited about 2013. I feel like I can let 2012 go and embrace the future. I guess all of the counselling and medication is helping too because I am finally taking care of ME again. I went to the dentist for the first time in 20 YEARS. OMG, I can't believe I actually did it. I have to admit that there was some serious shaking in my boots going on- quite literally too. The dental assistant had to plug my earphones into my ipod because my hands were shaking so much I just couldn't do it. Blt, despite my ridiculous dental phobia, I went. It wasn't that bad actually- 8 fillings. Considering I hadn't been to a dentist since I was 9, this was a pretty good outcome.

I just today went to the specialist about my sleep apnoea and got hooked up with the Darth Vader  cpap machine so hopefully I will soon stop waking up feeling like I could die within the hour.

Also I guess another significant decision I have made is to have weight loss surgery. This is something I have thought about for a long time but have never gone through with- until now. I have been a yoyo dieter for years. I can lose weight but I can never seem to keep it off. I always put it back on- with interest. As I am suffering from obesity related conditions at the moment (such as sleep apnoea, fatty liver and insulin resistance) I have decided enough is enough. My doctor has approved me for lap band surgery and my psychiatrist has also written a letter to the surgeon supporting my decision. I have yet to have my consultation with the surgeon though- so he could decide not to do the surgery, but I am hopeful that he will.

I feel good about this year and where I am at in my life now. I love my husband, my son and my job- all in all I am a pretty happy camper. So bring on 2013 - let's do it.

Now I am happy again- no doubt you'll be hearing from me more regularly. Look forward to chatting.

Rhia xxx

This morning I was woken with a very lovely "Morning Mummy, I love you". This instantly brought a smile to my face (which if you've ever seen me first thing minus the caffeine hit is no mean feat). I enthusiastically roll over to see my little darling who is climbing up onto my pillows.

He looks down at my cleavage which is not so modestly covered by my singlet top (I was sleeping- I don't just get around like that) and he says "Are they ya boobies?" pointing to my boobs.

"Umm well yes" I say hesitantly, wondering why the sudden interest.

image via rose-wallpapers.com

If you have been reading my blog then you may be aware that I recently got married. Planning the wedding was fun and I actually really enjoyed the process- except for the odd meltdown.

Now that we are back and settled there is the little matter of changing my name to attend to. I am not sure what the hold up is here- when we first got back I started the process within a week of arriving back from the honeymoon. I then had to wait for a copy of the marriage certificate and the process stalled. And has not progressed since.

I have letters prepared and waiting to be sent out. These are dated 11/05/2012. And the sad thing is they were pre-dated as this was the date I was expecting to have well and truly received my certificate and had copies certified.

And yet I still have not sent them out. At this point I am in danger of repeating the name changing "non event" of my first marriage- which basically went along the lines of me not changing my name (but saying I would a lot) and then separating before I actually got around to it. Actually come to think of it a lot of things never actually happened before we separated- the wedding video was still being edited. In that instance my lack of motivation was a blessing because I just would've had to change it back again.

I think maybe it is just the idea of change. It is hard to get my head around calling myself something different. I feel like people will know that it's not really my name - or something. Weird right? Also I tried to practise a new signature a few times and it felt really unnatural- I kept muddling up the letters.

I have decided to take the plunge and get those letters sent out. Maybe it will sink in that it really is my name once I see it on my drivers licence...

Did you change your name? Did you find it hard?

 PS I should add that I do want the same name as my husband. I realise that this is not for everyone and totally respect anyone that wants to keep their own name etc.

This weekend was a long weekend here in WA. For the most part we had a quiet little time mainly due to the fact that I caught the flu from my flu shot bastard. We did make it out of the house on Sunday morning though as I was going a little stir crazy.

I have been complaining for a while now that since I am the only girl I spend a lot of time playing cars or football or trucks or dinosaurs and not nearly enough time having tea parties. So my beautiful boys treated me to a tea party on the river and it was awesome!!


It was so nice to sit back with my tea and enjoy the views of the river and hang out with my two favourite people...


Aren't they cute? MM was super excited that he and daddy were both wearing red jumpers. These things are very important when you are three. I was super excited because I love love love tea and pretty things and vintage stuff and this tearoom was all decked out in vintage charm and I was totally in heaven.


After the tearooms they took me back to bed to sleep off the rest of the flu- which frankly I think has only served to make it stronger bloody bugs. But my little excursion was certainly the highlight of our three days off. I think MM's highlight was having his uncle and his 3 big boy cousins over for dinner and riding scooters. I think hubby's was probably being able to go to the pub Saturday afternoon for a "baby head wetting session"- friends of ours - we are not still wetting MM's head or anything weird like that.

What was your weekend highlight?

Joining in with Jess from Diary of a SAHM for #IBOT

I went through a breakup this week and it was tough. With MM's Daycare. I don't wish this on anyone because as a family we are traumatised. MM has been going to the same daycare since he was a tiny baby. He is now 3 years old. He knows that place inside and out and it has truly been like a second home. Until recently.

Around his birthday (in Feb) he was moved from the toddler room to the pre-school room. Around this time we started to get reports of undesirable behaviour from the daycare staff. We also got reports of undesirable behaviour from MM about the daycare staff. We thought that MM was telling us stories because he didn't like getting in trouble. We also thought that this explained why all of a sudden he didn't want to go any more and would start crying at 8am before we had even left the house.

As parents this concerned us - as did the reports of his behaviour and we took an active approach to working with the centre to provide continuity and consistency in the behaviour management strategies in order to help get MM back on track. One of the carers in his room was lovely and I could tell she genuinely cared for my son. The other one was vile and had a terrible attitude.

I would go in after work and the first carer would pull me aside and update me on MM's day- good, bad or otherwise we would discuss it in private. I would then go and collect MM from the room where carer #2 would stop reading the story to the group of children and loudly in front of children, parents and whoever else was there proceed to tell me that "MM Had a terrible day, didn't listen at all etc etc etc). On more than one occasion I shut this down with a "thanks- I have been updated" and a look- which should have spoke volumes. She never really seemed to get the hint though.

On Tuesday I wasn't feeling well. I left work early and went to pick him up from daycare. The kids from his room were all playing outside. Carer #1 was on holidays so a carer from the toddler room who used to be MM's carer before he was moved up was filling in. She pulled me aside to have a chat as she was concerned about a few things. Whilst she was filling me in on the days events I was watching MM play with the kids in his room. In the space of 10 minutes I heard the following:

"MM is naughty"
"MM is bad"
"You are a bad boy MM- we don't like bad boys"
"MM is a stupid head, MM is a Stupid Head"

The look on my son's face was heartbreaking. I have never seen him so upset. I alerted the carer I was talking to and she instantly went to take control of the situation because carer #2 was not doing anything!

As we both went over to sort it out one little girl came up to me and eagerly tried to inform me as to what was going on. "MM is bad" she told me, looking up as though I would be pleased with her for letting me know. I lost it. I told the little girl that in fact MM isn't bad- even if he doesn't always do what he is told and that actually it isn't nice to call someone bad. She looked at me in complete disbelief. As if this is the first time anyone had ever told her off for saying that. That look devastated me. I knew then that this had been going on all day -everyday. At the age of 3 my son has been labelled as "bad" and treated accordingly. These are only kids- they are getting it from somewhere and my guess is carer #2.

The carer and I took MM inside and had a talk about what had just happened. I told her what I suspected- and she said "I'd like to be able to deny it but from what I have seen this past 2 days it is true". She also verified MM's stories of being called a "crybaby" when upset (by the carer) etc.

I left the daycare and burst into tears. I called my husband crying so hard that I couldn't get the words out to actually tell him what has been going on.

I can't believe that I put my faith in them to look after my most precious being and they fucked it up. That poor kid. I also can't believe that I kept taking him there after he clearly didn't want to go anymore. I work full time- daycare is a necessity for us, but maybe I should have moved him when I knew he wasn't happy. I just honestly thought that a) they were looking after him and b) a change to a new daycare would be too traumatic.

We had yesterday at home together as I couldn't bear the thought of taking him back there. We interviewed at a new centre and he started there this morning. His first day at the new daycare was as hard as the first day EVER of daycare. Actually probably harder because on his first day ever he wasn't actually able to say "mummy please don't leave me here", I just imagined him saying it.

To be fair I should tell you that the owner of the daycare spent an awful lot of time on the phone to me yesterday telling me all of the ways it will change there. I just need to give them a month, 3 weeks - something and then if I don't see any change move. Unfortunately I know that it is futile. What I experienced Tuesday was a deal breaker. It is time to move on and start fresh.

My heart is hurting today but I am pleased to say I am staying strong. It is lunchtime and I have only called twice to check on him. So far he is being the brave little soldier I know he is.

Have you ever needed to breakup with a daycare?

This post features some issues that rate pretty high on the embarrassment-o-meter- I am slightly blushing as I type this. I am also pretty happy that I am hiding behind this screen and don't have to look directly at you....

So, my darling husband has been telling me I do something quite horrible for a while now. This particular thing is not pretty and I don't like to admit it. As a result I have been sticking my head in the sand - whilst he has been getting more and more animated in describing the problem- which has made me more embarrassed causing me to simply burrow deeper into the sand and secretly plot ways to exact revenge for my humiliation.

Deep Breath.... and here goes. I am a snorer. There I admitted it. I snore. This statement makes me feel as feminine as I would feel had I just said 'I am a trucker named Bob'. To make matters worse- I am not just snoring. I am swimming laps in my sleep. My husband tells me that I roll over on average once every 30 seconds or so. This goes a long way toward explaining why I am waking up exhausted. I am probably getting more exercise in my sleep that I am getting the whole time I am awake (sad I know).

The swimming of laps in my sleep also means I can't keep pretending that the snoring is a figment of my husbands wild imagination. I am too exhausted NOT to do something about it. I have finally been worn down enough (worn out out enough?) to take action. I have scoured the depths of the Internet and discovered it is very likely that I have sleep apnoea (yes, thank you DR Google).

At first this led me to be very cross. I had a week or two of some  child-like tanty's and even shot out a "no you can't change the channel- YOU gave me sleep apnoea" or two. I have since come to terms with it. Actually my views on it have turned around considerably.

My change of heart came about upon discovering the causes of sleep apnoea. One of which is a deviated septum. Hmmm why does that sound familiar? I asked myself. A-ha! That's why all the supermodels and Hollywood starlets get nose jobs! To fix their deviated septums! Whooo Hoo.

I am now no longer avoiding the doctors like the plague. I am phoning up for the first available appointment. I wanna know where I sign up for my free (or at least heavily subsidised) nose job. Thank You Sleep Apnoea.

Oh if my husband asks I am off to the docs because I realise now that sleep apnoea is a potentially serious condition which can lead to other serious health problems and I am a very responsible person.

PS. It has been suggested that I am very vain and should talk to my psychologist about this next time I am there. This has been duly noted. I personally think I am seeking out the silver lining. Or making lemonade.. or hay or something...

When have you found an expected upside?

Joining in with Jess from Diary of a SAHM for IBOT.

Some people are frightened of spiders, for some people it's the dark or even just change or the unknown. My biggest fear is mediocrity. I am frightened that somehow I will wake up one day and realise that my life has up and passed me by, and I just settled. Settled for something mediocre and dull. Settled for a life I didn't really want because it was there and it was easy.

 I almost did this when I was young and stupid (given that I am still young I'll change that to young-er and stupid-er) and I got married at 21. To an idiot. That I didn't love (I didn't fully realise this at the time- but I now know this as I am infinitely wiser). I knew deep down something wasn't right but I squished that feeling up into a little ball and shoved it into a dark cob-webby recess of my mind and ignored it. It made a few valiant attempts to be heard - like the full blown body chills the night before the wedding that even a steaming hot shower couldn't warm up (I thought I was getting the flu) or even the fact that I inexplicably started crying on the morning of the wedding and couldn't stop for about 45 minutes (the looks from my bridesmaids were priceless during that time) but I soldiered on and married I was. I endured 12 months and 2 weeks of the crapiest excuse for a marriage that I can think of (thinking that it was a life sentence- torture in itself) before I was rescued.

Knights in shining armour come in many different shapes and sizes and surprisingly mine came in the form of a young maiden- also known as my husbands girlfriend. She called me one day and told me that she thought it had gone on long enough. She had thought of saying something the day of the wedding, but thought better of it last minute. She thought maybe now after 12 months and 2 weeks of him not telling me, that maybe she should. I whole-heartedly agreed with her. And so I was set free, to try again -with lessons learnt.

I was lucky. I had made a mistake that could have landed me with a "less-than" life. I was scared of being alone because I didn't think I was strong enough or brave enough to face life on my own. I didn't think I would ever find someone to love me in a real way because I didn't yet love myself. It took my life turning on its head for me to realise that in fact I was strong- stronger than I thought possible. I was brave too and many other wonderful things that I hadn't known about myself. I was lucky that I had the opportunity to find this out. I did learn from my mistakes and I vowed never to settle again.

It is now several years later and I am married to the man of my dreams. The lead up to the wedding was a time of anticipation and joy. There were no 'cold feet' or bouts of tears- just smiles and happy thoughts (and the occasional bridezilla-esque moment). I don't see my marriage as a life sentence but as a privileged existence. I get to share my world with my best friend and overall favourite person. My marriage is a testament to fact that the benefits of being true to yourself are infinite.

I used to wish that my first marriage never happened. I never thought I would say this but  I am grateful for it. If I had been fortunate enough to sail through life and meet my beautiful husband and have the happy marriage from the outset I may never have learnt what can happen when you settle. I may have been in danger of doing it with other aspects of my life and as a result ended up with the middle of the road, boring existence that I am so scared of. Now I have a little piece of my heart, that though healed is still scarred. That scar reminds me not settle. As long as I heed its warning I know I'll live happily ever after.


What life lessons are you grateful for?

Linking up with Kate from Kate Says Stuff for Thankful Thursday :-)

Yep that's right mental illness. No one really wants to talk about, look at or generally admit that it exists. But I am going to write about it today because it's easier than talking about it and watching you wriggle and squirm and not really know where to look.

Also it'd be nice just to get it off my chest and not feel like you are judging me or pushing me back towards medication that I have zero desire to take. Why if it makes me feel better, you ask? Because I am not so sure it does make me feel better and it definitely doesn't make me feel like me. And also because I am allowed to HAVE A BAD WEEK. Just because I am anxious at the moment (admittedly more than the average amount) doesn't mean I am not functioning or living.

I know you feel like I am arguing semantics when I say that I am still living because all you mean is that I am not living at 'my optimum' but I beg to differ. I am getting out of bed in the morning, showering, going to work and being mummy. I do all of this despite the anxiety and I am still doing a good job. I have been in a place where my anxiety has prevented me from doing that so when I say that I am still living I AM NOT SPLITTING HAIRS. I am bloody well living and doing a good job of it.

I don't like feeling that I could be dosed up on meds or shipped off somewhere the minute that I can't be bothered plastering a smile on my face and pretending everything is peachy. Please trust me when I tell you that I am ok- it's just a bad week. Believe me when I need to see my doctor I will see him- there is no shame in that. It's just like when I have a cold- I'll deal with it myself but once it turns into the flu I'll make an appointment. You wouldn't second guess me then right?

I just read my post back and realised that if I post this then you will know that I am feeling anxious. You will know that sometimes it is really hard to deal with and you will know that I don't always feel together and in control.Now I don't know if I can post it because I don't know if I can handle the fact that you know. This is why I never want to talk about this in person. I feel like the second I tell you this you will feel like I am a different person. You won't know how to talk to me anymore. You will start looking nervously at your watch and wondering what excuse you can make to get of here in a hurry. Or worse you will decide that you need to fix me and start asking me all sorts of questions like have I seen my doctor? or wouldn't I like to talk to someone professionally about this? And then I will feel like a sick person or someone that you are sad for and not like your friend anymore.

This will make me feel like I really shouldn't have told you that. It is much easier to pretend everything is peaches (because honestly, who doesn't love peaches?).

I have decided to post it anyway because I have decided that you may feel this way sometimes too. Maybe you need someone to talk to in a non-judgy way when you feel a little bit anxious. And what kind of friend would I be if I didn't let you know that you're not alone?

Sorry for the Debbie Downer post- I really did need a vent and to be honest life isn't always amazingly awesome all of the time. This blog wouldn't be real if I only wrote about the positive things. Next time I'll try to wow you with some of the good stuff, I promise.

Piece out dudes (sorry I was watching  90210 and some of the lingo stuck- yeek that was probably harder to admit than the first bit).

This morning I was treated to a beautiful mothers day event at MM's daycare and a very happy face when I said I would be there:


Firstly there was some time for play. It was such a treat to be able to see MM interacting with his little friends and an insight into what the average day looks like for him- whilst I am slaving away at work :-). It was lovely to see him so comfortable there and clearly having a great time:


And then there were cupcakes to decorate:

And morning tea to eat and enjoy:

But the biggest treat came in a form that I was not expecting. Some validation that can only come from people going through the same thing as you. I was afforded a rare (for me) opportunity to speak to some of the daycare mummies that have kids the same age as MM. It seems that I am not the only person experiencing the tantrums, defiance, door slamming and other generally 'not so nice' behaviour that my usually adorable son has been displaying lately. I cannot even begin to tell you the relief that I am feeling right now.

I have just been given the gift of knowing that I am NOT the worlds worst mummy, I am NOT doing absolutely everything wrong and this difficult stage WILL pass. Hallelujah!

Happy Mother's Day Mummies.

I am trying new things this week and so for the first time ever I will be joining in with Thankful Thursday with Kate Says Stuff. When thinking of things that I am thankful for the 'no brainer' is my little man (well both my men actually but I'll focus on the little one today).

A while back I wrote a post about the 10 cutest things MM does from day to day in honour of his third birthday. I am thankful for all of those things and actually have a couple more to add to the list:

• When you ask him what noise an elephant makes and he does the noise but also the trunk with his arm
• When you ask him how much he loves you and he says "lil bit" with a very cheeky grin
• The way he says my name "Ah-Rannon" (is actually Rhiannon)
• The way he sings the spiderman song "he doo's whatever a spidey doo's" so cute!
• The way he loves his cousins and follows them around trying to be "big".

I am thankful everyday for the joy and love that he has brought into my life and the way he can melt my heart with a single smile. I am also thankful to Kate for prompting me to write this post and "think happy thoughts".

Happy Thursday everyone - can't wait to read what you are all thankful for.

Today I have my 'serious pants' on as my husband likes to say, whenever I stop laughing at his usually funny jokes. Yesterday I wrote a fairly light hearted post about my post-wedding come down as being the reason for me feeling so flat. After careful contemplation I feel there may be more to my 'flatness' than simply grieving for my 'bride to be' status.

Mothers Day. It's everywhere. This probably isn't the worst thing in the world for most of you and to be honest since becoming a mum myself it has definitely taken on a new light in my own eyes. It's still hard though. I am not sure if I've ever mentioned this on here before or not but my mum died when I was a baby. I was three months old and she was nearly 18. It was a tragedy. It is hard to explain to someone the grief you feel over losing a mother that you can't remember. Many people assume that it is not difficult at all. That's not true - I believe the grief is different but yes it is still difficult, it is still real and it still hurts.

I haven't lost a person that I can remember, no. I haven't lost someone that used to take me places or make me laugh, brush my hair or hug me when I was sad. Except I have. Growing up I used to dream of all those things. Of someone who would listen to me about my day at school, or watch me in the school play. I dreamt of someone who would think I was wonderful no matter what I did or said or what I grew up to be. I dreamt of a mum. To rub salt in the wound (just a little), my sister had a mum. My step-mum, she was all the things to my sister that I would've liked my own mum to be. Loving, supportive (in her own way), interested. She believed my sister to be the most amazing, funny, beautiful child that was ever made. She just didn't feel the same way about me. I'm not going to go into the step-mum saga here as it is a story for another day but suffice to say that this made me long for my mum even more. Long for a different life.

Ninety-five percent of the time my mum not being around is a non issue now. Over time I have learnt to accept it as just the way it is. Every now and then though, I wake up and instead of feeling like a grown up, 28 year old mother of one, I feel a little bit like a sad, frightened, lonely five year old who is aching for her mummy. Mothers day is one of those days.

I am experiencing the mother of all come downs. I was on a massive adrenalin high and now nothing. I've gone cold turkey off the good stuff and I have no idea what to do with myself. My wedding took over 12 months to plan- this equals 12 months of obsessing thinking about every little detail from dresses to stationary to music and now it is over.

In the three weeks since I have been married I have come up with a number of new plans to occupy myself and perhaps give myself a little hit of adrenalin... These have included but are not limited to redecorating the house, having another baby and (and this was my favourite of all favourites) buy a villa in Bali and relocate the family. Unfortunately all of these options have been vetoed by my new husband (although he did allow me one room of the house as a 'compromise').

How long does it take to get back to normal? If this goes on much longer I have been advised that we will make Kim Kardashian look like the poster child for long marriages- I am driving him crazy!

If you wanna re-live my glory days with me the photo's are here - My wedding photo's

This is my first time joining in with Jess from the Diary of a SAHM's

I think I have made it pretty clear that I am no culinary genious- however I can throw together a quick tasty meal that both Man and Child will happily devour. This little gem was tried and tested on Friday night and considered a big success in our household- therefore will probably make the regular rotation of after work meals until met with protests that they just can't eat it again :p

5 Minute Fried Rice

Ingredients:
Sun Rice 2 Quick Cups Chicken Rice (x2)
250g Shortcut Bacon
1 Bunch spring onions 
1 cup of bean shoots
1 baby tin of baby corn
1 tsp minced garlic
1 tsp minced ginger
1 egg
1 tbs soy sauce
2 tbs olive oil

Method:

Heat oil in frying pan on med-high
fry off the spring onions, garlic, ginger for 1 minute
add diced bacon and cook together for 1-2 minutes
whisk egg and add to frying pan (push aside bacon and onions) to cook your omelet. Break up and mix through.
Add corn and bean shoots.
Microwave your rice 2 cups at a time for 1 minute each and then add to pan
Stir until combined and heated through.

Serve. (should serve 4 large-ish serves).

You can add more vegies to this- this is just what we had in the fridge. The verdict was 'pretty tasty- I like it' despite my husband's mocking call of "look out mum's taking shortcuts again" as I was cooking it :-)

Do you have any 5 monute meals that your family just love?

Without Further Ado....

So lovelies, I am back! And now I am married. If you happened to notice (or not- that's ok too) my absence in April it was because I was off to Bali (magical place that it is) to get married and have my honeymoon - if you can call a holiday with a three year old tyrant-in-training a honeymoon.

Now I am obviously still new at this blogging business as I very stupidly left all the photography of the trip up to others- and am now still waiting on photos to share with you all- especially of the all important wedding. The wait is nearly over though- I should have some up over the weekend along with the *wedding video* - see don't say I don't deliver :p ...

In the mean time I can share a couple of happy snaps from the holiday portion of our trip...

Fun was had by everyone...

As you can see we all enjoyed ourselves immensely. How relaxed do we look? I am fairly sure that those pretty coloured cocktails had an awful lot to do with that :-)

We also had some notable wildlife encounters... (Don't worry none of these were just 'roaming around' or anything.

Yep that is what it looks like...

Can you believe that elephant statue. Obviously I am all 'mature and shit' now that I'm married as I totally lost it laughing over that statue. This is what you are greeted with upon entering the Elephant Park in Taro. I am sure it has made for some pretty awkward family convo's over the years. We told MM they were 'playing'... We have some more cool pics with animals to come - I actually got to hold a baby Orangutan, which was totally amazing!

Well I just wanted to check in and say hi. I've missed the blog and am glad to be back! Stay tuned for the wedding pics and video next week.

P.S. Have you ever been blind sighted at a wildlife park and ended up in a 'sex' talk you had no idea you would have to have? Believe it or not this is not my first rodeo. Once at the Perth Zoo MM and I were confronted by a Baboon with a massive boner... Awkward!

You know you are happy when you are smiling so much that the attendant at the petrol station notices and asks you what's the deal?

This happened to me today as I got a call that my alterations were finished on my wedding dresses (yes I mean plural). I promptly got up and practically ran to my car, drove directly to the alterations place and tried those babies on. They FIT perfectly! Even the small one! Yay Yay Yay Yay.

The alterations lady was so happy she hugged me. I was so happy I hugged her back (weird as those who know me will attest- I am NOT a hugger). I was so happy that I smiled all the way to pick up some garments from the other alterations place, then all the way back to work and then apparently was still smiling so much 45 minutes later when I ducked into the Petrol Station next door to my work (to grab 2 minute noodles as I forget to get lunch on my lunch break) that the attendant couldn't help but ask me what was making me so happy.

In fact I am so happy that I am  now recovered from my meltdown that occurred this morning after my sister texted me to tell me that her size 2 dress (that when it arrived I panicked because I couldn't imagine anyone being tiny enough to fit into it) was WAYYYY (exactly how she wrote it) too big. WTF! That almost got her kicked out of the wedding! Luckily for her my dresses now look perfect, fit perfect and are perfect and that means I am happy enough to forgive her for being such a skinny bitch (at MY wedding- the nerve!) I'll bet she looks gorgeous on the day too- no idea about being a good sister...

Anyway need to go and stretch out my face a bit- my cheeks hurt :-)

Image via accessalex.com

When I called the dance studio yesterday morning the instructor kindly informed me that "oHHHHH You have left it awfully late, but I guess we can see what we can do..." This naturally pumped up my tyres and I took myself and my oodles of confidence (along with FI of course)  to the dance lesson that evening.

Let me just say now that my visions of wowing our guests with our Dancing with the Stars worthy performance have faded and in their place are lovely images of us shuffling around with me saying every two minutes "shit that was supposed to be my other leg first" or "Oh Crap I was supposed to turn then wasn't I?". Or even both of us just dancing into the wall because we didn't think it through and started in the wrong place. Either way I am sure it will be very graceful and elegant and simply scream romance. I mean after all what is more romantic than two people gritting their teeth with pained looks on their faces, muttering "walk, walk, side, together, step, turn close..."? Nothing I am sure.

Just think what we'll be capable of after our final two lessons!

23 days to go and counting. It has dawned on me though, that we are leaving the country in around 16 days and I am not prepared!

I have gone from completely chill and almost serene about the planning to a complete and utter nutcase in about 24 hours. I am not entirely sure what set off this recent bout of panic but it has taken over- with a vengeance! I woke up this morning with an overwhelming need to confirm every single detail. I absolutely lost my shit, just on reading an email from the wedding coordinator which indicated she hadn't recorded ALL of  my song choices.

I have realised that we still don't actually know who is coming and who isn't coming to the wedding and which of these people are bringing their children. Given that this is the case I am panicked about feeding said children. Even though that is completely irrational as I am sure that the venue will accommodate even at late notice.

I decided a while back that I was going to take my dress to the alterations place in the shopping centre as it is very simple and they assured me they just need a week. Now that I am 3 weeks out I am completely shitting myself that it is too late (despite what they said) and I'll be stuck with 2 dresses that don't fit- one is way too big as I have lost weight and the reception dress is too small as I didn't lose enough weight. Oh holy hell I am going to have a million wedding dresses and nothing to wear.

I am freaking out over the fact that we have not purchased luggage yet (and do not own a suitcase between us that is not falling apart- this from two fairly well travelled people?). I am concerned that when we do pack I am going to forget one of the 1000 things I need to take with me (and yes, I am having a destination wedding to avoid the need to be stressing about the details). I am having visions of putting on my (ill-fitting) dress and promptly realising that I have no hairpiece, jewellery, wedding rings, garters, purses etc.

I had a nice long convo with my sister last night- who happens to be my bridesmaid. She reminded me about Bali belly. I went to the docs to get shots for Bali but he never mentioned you can get a Bali Belly preventor and so none of us have taken one. I am now having frequent episodes in which I panic that the whole wedding party has been taken down by food poisening and the wedding is cancelled or worse turned into "that scene" (you know the one) from the movie Bridesmaids.

So I am going to have to get us all packed off to the doctors for the Bali Belly preventor- and some anti anxiety meds whilst I am there! Did you panic and stress over the details of your wedding? Did anything actually go wrong? Did you care?

When I was eighteen I was a freelance Makeup Artist. I had a really irregular income and schedule and it was kind of all over the place but I loved it. I also thought it was ok because it seemed to fit with what I thought was appropriate for an 18 year old.

When I dropped out of uni to figure out what I really wanted to do when I grew up, I thought it would be a good idea to add beauty therapy skills to my resume to kind of stabilise the income a little. So off I went to beauty school and got myself a nice fancy diploma to hang on the wall. This seemed to do the trick for a few years- I even opened up my own Makeup & Beauty Studio. It still just didn't seem very grown up. I was in my twenties by now and felt that I should have a "career" not a "job" and makeup and beauty just felt a bit like a "job". My ambitious little self wasn't satisfied with this and my insecure self was worried about what people might think.

I had told myself that I was going to figure out what I wanted to "be" and then go and "be" it. I just got a little sidetracked and hadn't really thought about what that was- for a few years. So to make up for lost time I decided what I was going to become. Without any real thought. Just plucked the idea out of the air and ran with it. I was going to be a Financial Adviser. I didn't actually know what a financial adviser was or did day to day but it sounded really grown up. Like a career.

The next week I decided to apply for a job in a bank- because banks employ financial advisers. If I worked somewhere that employed financial advisers, I would be one step closer (technically, I suppose) to being a financial adviser. Luckily for me I got the job- I am actually still a bit surprised at this as I do recall asking in the interview about the uniform and upon hearing their answer, exclaiming "that is excellent- I look great in all those colours!". I mean I was joking (mostly) but it probably wasn't really job interview material. Anyhoo... I got the job and set about learning how to become a financial adviser.

I must have impressed someone there (probably by how well the uniform complemented my complexion) because within 12 months I was working along side a financial adviser as their support staff with a view to learning the job whilst I studied (on their dime) to get my qualifications. So I got my wish- here I am now with my grown up job (which luckily for me I turned out to be half decent at), sick with nostalgia about the days when I was 18 and didn't have to work 9-5 and got to be creative and do what I love. Oh Boy.

So I do still do makeup artistry. I work on the weekends and do people's weddings (mainly) and it's great and fulfils that creative side of me. But I am knackered as I do work full time in a fairly demanding job and then come home to my 3 year old and be mummy (btw this is also a fairly demanding job) and then go and do makeup on the weekends. I turn down a lot of work as I can't do anything during the week and photographers are often approaching me with weekday shoots that I have no hope of making.

I have also just added in spray tanning to the "beauty" side of things I do as I am looking to increase the ways I can earn money from home. After all that effort and years of hard work to get the "grown up" job, I am now working my butt off trying to figure out how to make it go back to how it was before.

You see I am older now. Hopefully wiser. I have now been taught some valuable lessons about what is important in life. I now know that time with my adorable son and work/life balance is much more important than whether or not people think you have a grown up career or a silly job playing with makeup.

It hasn't been all for nothing though. I learned a lot about myself on my quest to be a grown up. I learned that I am really determined and that I can work really hard and that I can create my reality- if I want to. I also met the man I am about to marry, which I am thankful for every single day. I do think it is a little bit funny that I seemed to have gone full circle in only 10 years.